"Freely Give" Copyright (C) Shatteredn2pieces April 2004 As I wake up to the dark of the early morning.... I wipe the tears that have been running down my cheeks all night long. When does this hurt stop? How do I go on? The hurt seems to be so unreal inside. To reach you,  tell you of my hurt, it can't be done.  I live in a world of hurt and brokenness.  A world where you can not seem to relate now. I think back to the dreams that have came true in the past, my heart feels so happy and content. Then my tears start to roll once again, for now I see the hopes of the future... looking very grim.  I try to hold onto my faith and love for you, but over time....the tears have broken the strength of this human love. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't pray so hard to God above to open your eyes, to help you remember the dreams that we've made together and have seen come true. To give you the strength to hold onto what God did make within you. And to take this desire, this evil desire from you that is breaking our home into pieces. I do have unconditional love for you.  I will love you no matter where life takes me. I hold all that we've ever made within this heart of mine. No one could ever be able to touch the spot that you hold in my heart.  Each night before I go to sleep, I will ask God to help you to see His love. For seeing His love is the only thing that will bring you back to what He has made you to be!   Please never forget the times I stood by your side, the times I never walked away.   Remember the lonely nights I laid beside you as you slept. Remember all the days and night I long to hear you say, " I love you and I want to be your man forever".  Please don't ever forget the nights I cried for our marriage to mend.  The nights I spent alone laying next to you. While you were living in your dream-world, I lay shattered in my dying world. Watching my husband fade away right in front of my eyes.  Many nights that I have reached for you, only to be rejected. Oh how I needed many times to feel like a woman. A woman loved by her husband. But again, another night crying myself to sleep.  As you slept, I reached over, unknown to you, and touched your hand.  My feelings going in every direction they could, so confused. But I still loved you! I never stopped. I never will!  But how can one continue to be pulled down into this dark hurtful hole, and stay sane?  Just because I choose not to live this way, does not mean I don't have unconditional love for my husband!  It is hard to watch someone you love dying in front of you. And the hurtful thing is, its by their choice. I ask God to walk with you. To hold you and draw you to himself. For that is the only way you will ever find the peace you are looking for.  You will not find it in a fantasy world. God does not live there. You will not find it in trying to make yourself something that God did not create. For His blessings are not there.  Don't throw your life away, turn back to God and let Him heal you of this desire you have inside. He too has unconditional love, but even God too, one day will say "I do not know you"  and He will have to say you have made your choice.  And He will respect that! But that doesn't mean that He doesn't love you.  He will always love you, just as I will. But He is not a forceful God...He wants you to love Him freely, by your choice. Just in the same way, a husband needs to love his wife, by choice. Freely giving of his love.   So please never think I didn't love you! I loved you with all my heart. I held on as long as I could. For with seeing no changes,  I seen no hope.  The darkness I feel inside is only crushing my soul.  I had to put space between us, so I can live on.  It was not to hurt you, or leave you to deal with things on your own.  But I felt unwanted and un-needed. This kills the soul deep inside where no words can reach or human can touch. I can't let that happen. For my life belongs to God and not myself.  Our love will always live on in my heart, where no one can touch or break it! Oh how I pray for you, my love. But I can't reach you now. You have taken the dark path away from our marriage and home.   God be with you! God be with me!
		"A Thought to be Erased" Copyright (C) ShatteredN2Pieces April 2004 To start over at this age is a devestating thing. To erase the love and dreams that two people shared in the past years tares the heart into. With each thought, each moment, each tear, comes the hope of just one more chance. As we get older and our body's get weaker... We long to have someone that we can grow old with. To have that someone special there for us when we no longer look like a pretty..... young girl..... To have the words that have been said so often, "I love you" hold true. Then you realize that this is not going to happen. You are alone. You have no strong love that you once thought you had.   The love that you hoped and thought would last forever.... never ceasing... never ending! The pain inside... No one can feel this, unless they too have lost their loved one to this devestating choice. Our favorite songs play... Tears would run down my cheek. People we use to know....when they ask questions, the empitness overwhelms me all over again. Where are you living now? Are you really happy? Is it true you don't miss anything we once had? Why am  I the one who still hurts? How do you love someone who doesn't care about your pain? And how can we be accussed of not having unconditional love? Loving in this condition has to be unconditional love!
	Divorce & Death Copyright (C) ShatteredN2Pieces June 2004 How do you spring back from divorce? The loss of a parent?  Of a child?  The heart has been maxed to its limit as far as feelings of love and loss.   The world looks so glim and hopeless at times.  How do we pull ourself back up and out of despare?  Its not easy!  Divorce and death walk pretty close together in feelings and hurt. It can strip you of many things...... and mostly, of yourself! Walking through this dark tunnel seems to be a endless path. The pot-holes and curves seem to be unbearable at times.  The memories that rush through the mind, keeps the tears falling at a steady pace. The memories flood the gates of the heart and mind, only to find that they are just that, memories.   So what do I do with these feelings?  How do I start over when I feel like I am only a half of a person now?    Take all the hurtful feelings and bag them up and lay them at Jesus' feet! How do I do that? I have tried and it still hurts.  Doesn't giving it all to Jesus mean I wont hurt any more? It means that you have trusted Jesus enough to let Him lead you in your new walk of life. And that you are willing to let go of things that you have no control over.  It means that Jesus will be your husband, He will be first in your life!  Will you still feel the pain? OH YES!  But, the difference is now, that you are not trying to fix or heal your hurts....but you are allowing Jesus to come in and live and work in your life. Will there be many tears? Again, OH YES! Tears are very hurtful. And not only hurtful, but very healing as well.  Time will allow God to work in you. To form and create a new and stronger person.  Do we like this process? Well, maybe not!   But we must remember we are not alone in any of this. There is not one path that God doesnt  walk down with us.  He is there when we cry, start to fall......and even there to help us up when we do fall! Things are going to be different in your life now, you have lost what God made very scaret and loving. But because of satan, divorce and death are a sad event. It breaks hearts and can even break the soul if we let it!  You will find your self falling on your knees many times asking, why Lord?   Why did this happen to me, to us?  Never forget, that satan roams this earth and  he is trying to destroy everyone he can. And to get us down and depressed is a great way to get to us. Even through all the pain, we must trust God in it all.  And know that what ever happens, NOTHING can happen unless God approves it first. And know that God IS looking out for your best interest here.  He is on your side, no matter how things look or feel to us. When we miss our loved one holding us, talking to us, being our best friend....... turn to Jesus! He too wants to hold us close unto Himself. And talk to us, walk with us, lead us down a path that will lead to eternal life with Him. And there is no better friend then Jesus! He will never forsake us hurt us. He only wants our best good.  One day these former things will pass away. (rev 21:4) And the tears will be all dried up. Never again to shed a tear or go through another broken relationship. Wow, that will be a great day! But until then, we must look forward, to Jesus! Let not this world grab ahold of you and hold you down. Pulling you away from Jesus, the only one who can help you and heal your broken heart. Remember, He knows how a broken heart feels. And He is more then willing to be there just for YOU!    So when all these questions arise, and they will......... turn your thoughts and prayers to Jesus. Don't push Him away, but hold close to Him.  Don't let satan win and steal your happiness and joy. Even though you are going through a very dark time right now, take time to see the beauty that God has created. Even if you have to start with the small things, such as the birds in the air, the clouds in the sky, the flowers of the field. Then ask Him to show you the things that He has really blessed your life with? I found that I was blessed so much and that I have been taking much for granted. Not meaning to, but satan has a way of turning our focus in on ourself.... and the best way to do that is through pain!  Write out all your blessings that God brings to your mind today. Take a walk, rest in a quiet place as if you were resting within His arms of love.  He will take much of the pain from you, and He will heal you from the sorrows and losses of this life. Hold tight, and dont let go. Though the winds are blowing you about....hold tight!  He will place people in yourlife who will show His love through actions, words and even just a smile. And never forget, we all can fall and do....... but the losing is not in the falling down, but in the staying there! Get up, and move forward! Learn and hold close to the memories that you have been givien. Not as loss, but blessings. And remember, we all have choices. God does not force our wills. He will allow us to make our own minds up about things we want or what we want to do in this life. He will honor it wither its is a good choice or a bad one.
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